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It’s 11/25/09 4:35pm I just put down the first twilight after a quick reading session. I just read the part where thy were in the forest he sparkled and s**t to the part where she fell asleep in Edwards arms at here house. hmm… this book… I don’t know, I cant help but grin at times but at the same time ALL of the characters annoy me. like ed is an emo b***h. like I understand emos a little, I kind of am one from time to time but my gowd shut up and just kill her or ******** her stop whining. Like I get it your falling in love but there is just so much sexual tension there. I know how that feels it almost feels like those things conflict. like in the story it’s a little different but come-on. In the same situation you love them but at the same time you want to sleep with them. Every time you get close you just want to sleep with them more but your so afraid you are going to screw things up. you want it just to go away at some points but you cant run. So get over it, you have to try to be with them. Then you can be stand offish but then you just push them away or you can go for it you use the passion and sleep with them. Its not going to change the way you care about them. True it might not work out but if not it wasn’t meant to be cuz it was bound to happen eventually if the tention is there. For him oops I killed her you’ll get over it you’re a killer anyway (not to take away from the romance but come on ed would get over it he has an eternity to find someone else) for me damn you scared her of with you sexual hunger I’ll get over it I just did. It happens, of coarse I tend to move to quickly, very quickly actually. I tend to push to hard for sex. even if I don’t get into the pants I almost always get a shirt off. I am starting to think I have a problem actually. Well let me talk about that (I didn’t know what to talk about today so I’m just going with the flow). I’m not going to go over all of my relationships there’s just too many but in the beginning… okay I will start with how I may have been skewed in my views of girls. First of all porn very early in life, even I think it was too early for a healthy sexuality (if you know me you can imagine my views on porn) 2nd 3rd grade maybe earlier I don’t ever remember not seeing porn in my life. Next maybe because of this this part may be explained. I took a big interest in girls when I was young 3rd and 4th grade. I would run around trying to kiss girls. Not just a little I mean… I got kicked out of school a few times because of it. It was a problem. Was it wrong? I don’t know. After that I closed of really bad avoided girls altogether. At the same time I was making dirty jokes and looking at the girls all day. I was the one who told your kids all the thing you didn’t want your kid to know. Well middle school came and every one was obsessed with the first love bullshit and I was SCARED. A nerd and a prude with far to many crushes. Oh yes I loved about half of my classes girls. The more I showed my interest the more I got shot down. Destroying my ego or whatever you want to call it confidence maybe. Soon I just stopped trying. Well then I got my chance over a year with her maybe two. Well prude remember I never made a move but it was ok I think she cheated but I never tried to find out. She became my rebound over the next few years up till high school actually. If she didn’t cheat on me before she did in high school. Think what you want on that one but its also the only time I cheated. Not vengeance mind you I didn’t know she was doing that when I did it. Damn I got ahead of myself I tend to do that. Lets see my first time ya I will go to that time. For the most part still a prude 16 years old she was 13 years old me and my friend her and her friend a porn movie midnight bunk beds ya it was bad. Skip to the cheating part I was 17 so was she and the one I slept with was 14. I think I don’t remember both in the same night was the worst part. well after a bunch of drama happened because of this I decided to hide my relationships. I only went for girls from other schools never telling anyone of who I slept with the previous night, well it wasn’t to many. I had a total of 7 girls I had slept with by the time I had graduated. That didn’t increase for a long time after that had a 2 year relationship followed by a 1 ½ year relationship both of witch I did not sleep with. Then I hit the party stage followed by my stoner days. I lost track but I’m sure I’m over 30 girls now and I’m 23 years old. 16-23 7 years minus 3.5 years that I didn’t get any. so 30 girls in just over 3 years that means when I’m not with someone I average one girl every couple of months. Not healthy I think. Sometimes I think its hard but then a girl I didn’t even know likes me starts hanging all over me then its just to easy. I want you all to know I really liked most of… No like half of the girls I’ve been with. The other half I slept with just to get over the girls I loved. I just don’t know what to do with myself when the girls I love disappears on me. Sometimes its me that leaves but at this point I don’t like getting close to people, except this last one. That’s for another time maybe. I just get caught up in the moment the more I like someone the more horny I get. Then I push and stress the sex issue but at the same time I spend a lot of quality time with the girl until I get it. After that I find out If I really like them because I dump girls after that from time to time my bad. But some of them I just get happy and think things are good and great I spend even more time with them and I always want to know what thy are thinking. Then that backfires I don’t know what it is when I do that I think I either smother them or maybe it is the sex thing just in the opposite thy just use me like I did with the last girl. Is it true that you can have sex to early in the relationship. I didn’t used to think so. I was told that recently but I don’t know still. Have I sabotaged every relationship I’ve been in. I’m I doomed to do it again. Am I just unlucky. What do I do I’ve always either been a prude or a nymphomaniac, where is the happy medium. Omg it hurts so bad to think I’ve lost some of these girls over this because I really liked some of them. On another note I cant donate blood I cant get food stamps I cant get unemployment and still no job what the ******** do I do now! One of my best friends no my best friend is moving back home after thanksgiving. Thank god maybe things will feel better after that. I’m trying to fake it till I make it. Although I do feel better than I did before I still want to find fathers gun. I enjoy hearing from my friends that’s what I enjoy most second only to the company of a girl that’s my passion. So please get a hold of me sometime it will help I have a good day when you do.
but dont concern yourself to much i wont hert myself!