Beyond B.O.
Hey peeps. It's been more than a couple of weeks since I've written in my journal, so I decided it was about time for me to whip one out..eww. Anyway, have I got a work story for you. On Monday, the 2nd I was working with Shariah. It was a pretty slow night. We were just sitting there waiting to close up the store when suddenly a car pulls up. We were both like, yay, we get to help someone (not really.) Through the door waddles in a huge, fat guy with a gut down to his thighs and I'm assuming that he was with his little daughter. My coworker and I were like, "...bleh." The fat guy says to both of us, "Who wants to work"? Me and my coworker both point at one another, but, we both ended up helping him anyway. He asked me for a banana royale. So, while I was happily humming while chopping the banana, my humming quickly turns into very silent groans. I was like "...
uggggghhhhhhhhhh" You would not believe the body odor this man had on him. It was so putrid and malevolent. I swear I could see it, but not only that, I could taste it! Yaarghh!! I was so close to puking. By now my coworker has smelled it too. We quickly got his items so he could hurry and leave. As soon as he walked out, we both started gagging and complaining. "That was HORRIBLE"! "I ALMOST PUKED"! and my coworker even said "I'D RATHER EAT a*****e"! Yup, that is my story. I don't think I've ever come that close to puking over a smell. Anyway...uhhh...The Stelly is moving back! Yay! I'm so excited! I hope he becomes friends with Ty and Kody so it's like one big group of like..8 people?? (not good at counting this moment...) I'm really really really really really really excited! I haven't seen him in over a year. If he is too different, I'm going to have to slap a ho. One of the first things we have to do is play WarioWare. yup. All right, so that is all for now. I will write as soon as something interesting happens (which happens quite often...)
-yakko
Lol, it's Haruhi! 
You suck.
You're trying to hide the fact that your writing sounds like that of an eight-year old. You attempt this by using an "expanded" vocabulary, but it comes out like a preschooler using a thesaurus. While it may sound "smartererererer", it is out of place with your "voice", not to mention the style you're going for, which in this case is what I like to call "attempted humor". For example, my style right now is authoritative, and a tad more sophisticated. This allows for "bigger" words, and the right to be a complete arse. If you're trying for a funny feel to it, don't ever use big words, unless they are 'mammary' or 'pee-pee' (because mine IS big!).
Another complaint I have is that your jokes don't sound natural. It's as if you heard someone use the joke before, and you thought it was extraordinarily hilarious. So, like any other person, you try to include the joke into your repertoire. However, it just doesn't "sound" like something you would say, if you get what I mean.
Last, the small things: What about his daughter? You mention her once, and never again. That's messed up, unless you're trying for a joke about how fat he is. If it is, then it isn't that funny. Also, in your... not-sentence, "yup.", the "y" should be capitalized.
Don't take offense if I made you cry like a little girl, I just felt like practicing my critiquing. You can grab a donut and a cup of juice as you head out of the room. Thank you for visiting 'Jason's a*****e Workshop', where best friends are made.