Things no DM wants to hear.

[Lianwa]

Situation in a Fading Suns game:

DM: You are being boarded by pirates.

Players: Yes we get a new ship!

They then proceeded with a previously hashed out plan to ambush the pirates, kill them and take their ship.

The DM was rather confused as he expected them to make a run for it and wind up captured.

This happened to my older brother - He was the DM.

[Habuki Arcana Kuragari]

"I rolled another critical hit!"

[Evil_Princess_Garnet]

"Does 27 hit?"

[PsiPhiBabySeal]

Player: I rape a puma!
DM: O_o

This actually did happen in a friend's DnD campaign, and the DM allowed him to do it without rolling for it.

[Konstantine-sama]

"I want to play a good aligned Drow Ranger with dual wielding scimitars."

DM: "As you take in the splendor of the port city, a young boy bustles through the crowd and stops in front of you. As he pauses a moment to catch his breath, having obviously been running, he finally manages to say 'My Master...wishes to have...a meet--'"
"I kill him."

[Sidhe Fleshmonster]

Konstantine-sama

"I want to play a good aligned Drow Ranger with dual wielding scimitars."

DM: "As you take in the splendor of the port city, a young boy bustles through the crowd and stops in front of you. As he pauses a moment to catch his breath, having obviously been running, he finally manages to say 'My Master...wishes to have...a meet--'"
"I kill him."

rofl, freakin' high-larious...

yes, i can see where that would be bad.

[I killed Mr. Moonlight]

"sweet! i just tripple crited that boss."

[Wraith of Ages]

Evil_Princess_Garnet

"Does 27 hit?"

My players do this all the time it's really annoying.

[I killed Mr. Moonlight]

Konstantine-sama

"I want to play a good aligned Drow Ranger with dual wielding scimitars."

DM: "As you take in the splendor of the port city, a young boy bustles through the crowd and stops in front of you. As he pauses a moment to catch his breath, having obviously been running, he finally manages to say 'My Master...wishes to have...a meet--'"
"I kill him."

if one more person wants to play a drizzt clone i will stab them.

[Little Green Soldier]

"I want to play a kobold... *guilty look*"

"Oops, that page looked important,"

"But in Order of the Stick they...!"

DM: There is a cave here, dug into the rock. Wooden supports every 10 feet suggest that this is a mine shaft -
"Screw this, let's go back to the town!"

[Vince Cardinal]

"What happened? Could you say that again?" evil

[Dollmaker of Bucharest]

"Okay, my animal companion goes for the attack first. What do I have to roll for a charging Rhinoceros?"

[untamed84]

"Since I have all of these components, can I become a lich now"

[Just Alex]

mtomasi1

"Since I have all of these components, can I become a lich now"

You actually know someone who harvested the heart of their best friend?

Evil_Princess_Garnet

"Does 27 hit?"

What level is this? I've been running a near epic game, and that's only irritating when the player is driving the joke into the ground.

Anyways, here's mine.
"How much could I get for this Deck of Many Things?"

[kustross]

DM: Hey, Jacob, what's your character's armor class again?

ME: 45.

DM: And he didn't roll a threat, so he misses.