THE EPISTLE TO THE CHATTERBOXERS
Another book with a title stolen from the real New Testament. A long time ago, I - whilst er... reading about the mythos of Digimon (what!?) stumbled across the 7 Demon Lords. Which, of course, I stole and put in my own writing. Since there's only traditionally 5 chapters in every book of the Bible (my own, that is), I cut it down to 5 Demon Lords. However, this chapter-related tradition was broken eventually in this book by adding a sixth chapter. The 'imperfect' number, of course - and '666' is the sign of the Beast. Very appropriate. The keen eye will pick out the DARK N00B LORDZ aslo having parallels not only in Digimon (hehe) lore, but even in the original Bible. I believe that Death and Lady Cyber are possibly the most obvious.
Chapter One - The Discovery of the Programmer
It had been forty days and forty nights since the great Chatterboxers had fought against their seal and broken through to the other forums of Gaia. General Discussion had fallen easily to the waves and waves of maddened cybersexers and porn posters. Word Games appeared to be so boring to the invaders that it wasn't even worth conquering. A stray Chatterboxer also managed to find his or her way into Avatar Talk, either dressed in 'ninja' costume or with the infamous flame pants which had become the new trademark of the Empire - they would be dismissed by the elitst masses with a spam of '1/10 TRY HARDER YOU SON OF A BITCHRAAAAAAWROMG'. This often broke into flame wars within the disgustingly shallow forum.
Meanwhile, Life Issues had been saved from the rabid masses of n00bs, as back in these dark days, the faithful forum was still stuck in Extended Discussion and forced into...
serious issues. Extended Discussion itself was putting up a good fight against the Chatterboxers, Noraboo herself single-handedly fighting them off with a yardstick as they besieged the forum with their mighty textspeak whilst listening to a playlist of the new Nina Simone album. The mixture of stickness, accurate measurements and the tune of 'Sinnerman' was too much for the Chatterboxers to bare - their Slipknot and other such
vile bands not having anything on the classical vibes.
But the other, 'creative' forums were having far bigger problems.
Within minutes of the breakout that had happened months before, the Manga and Anime forums were instantly overrun with Chatterboxing soldiers - especially of the 'Inuyusha clone' rank. Any discussion that had happened in those sacred, favoured forums of the gods had seized up instantly in a fit of angst, fanclubs and Pokemon referances. It was in these forums that Jakobo decided to make his first appearance. The stakes were down for the remaining mods that put up the good fight within the forums. Yet Jakobo was not afraid. Using his godly might, he smited (and damn he can smite good) all of those Chatterboxers which were obsessed with all of those certain... anime... series...
In all his programming goodness, Jakobo appeared before the raving, unintelligent masses in a blinding flash of literacy and 10001110s. To the sounds of Felix Da Housecat and the genocide of many, poor posts, the saviour librated the citizens of Anime and Manga in one, swift yet powerful strike of his mighty messiahness.
The Chatterboxers were forced to retreat.
A great cheer of praise went up across the forum.
It was then, the great cheer of celebration went out from all of the true Anime and Manga fans to Jakobo.
It was then, Jakobo thought:
'Hey, this business ain't too bad!'
Because of Jakobo's obvious anti-n00bism, he was quickly picked up by the natural senses of the infamous DARK N00B LORDZ. Little has been said about these infamous n00bs so far in this tale, yet it was those lords that commanded the new armies of the Chatterboxers. It was them who had managed to rally the warring 'GIRLZ CHAINED BOYZ COME PICK' threads; it was these four lords that were responsible for the recent n00b infestation. Unluckily for Jakobo, these lords had indeed caught sight of his intentions and set about seeing that he did not continue undoing what they had fought so hard to do in the first place.
Jakobo and the great Gaian gods knew nothing of the antagonists' plans, though. Dwelling in blissful ignorance, the 'good' deities of the Gaian world went about, clearing the Chatterboxers from the rest of the forums. None turned out to be infected as much as Anime and Manga had been, but still the trollers, spammers and cyber...ers caused a nuisance to the regulars and prominents of the other forums.
After the messiah had recovered from the combined shock of being insighted with all of the four gods' knowledge and then losing his p***s in a tragic state of affairs, he... she... whatever, found it quite easy to overcome the n00bs. Aided by the newly refreshed mod forces, Jakobo banished all that remained of the previously mentioned n00bs into the fiery pits that they were once spawned from.
This pleased, of course, the original Gaian gods which we all worship and admire.
It did not, however, please the DARK N00B LORDZ (also known as the DEMON LORDZ).
In fact, it made them so angsty that they each spent eight hours writing the whole crazy situation into their LiveJournal blogs.
Chapter Two - Vengeance
"66/m/CB. Hates Jakobo and other godly beings that side with him. Also dislikes the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Likes long walks in the park and torturing souls in his evil domain. xxx"
Death had just finished writing his entry into the user-run Personals in the depths of the Chatterbox. As you might of guessed, he was the leader and possibly the most vile of the DARK N00B LORDZ. Death often wrote bad poetry and listened to his Hawthorn Heights albums at night.
Death was multitalented. Death thought he was perfect. It was him, after all, who had combined the powers of the three other lords to create their ultra-secret pact. It was him who would rule supreme when the mobs of the Chatterbox overthrow every other Gaian power known to man and n00b alike. It was him who had come out as Seymour on one of those 'Which FF character are you?' tests. And when informed of the coming of the apparent 'saviour' of the Gaian people, Death was the first to swear revenge for the Chatterboxers. After all, searching for a girlfriend was hard work, and obviously conquering the arch nemesis of his kin would look good on his vitae.
So, after Death had finished off his charming advertisement to attract the ladies, he set about plotting against the heavenly gods and their 'avatar' on Gaia - Jakobo. It didn't take him very long to come to a (very evil) conclusion as what to do. For Death was the most feared being in the Chatterbox. He was the one who collected the souls of many preteens and unintelligent people and turned them into useless puppets. So, what made Jakobo so great that he couldn't do the same to him?
Nothing, of course. Despite Jakobo's semi-godly appearance, he still carried the soul of a mortal. It was this soul that Death thought he could manipulate as he had done with so many others. The only problem was getting close to the messiah so the lord could extract it.
This turned out to be surprisingly easy. Death appeared to Jakobo shortly after the saviour had finished rounding up the rest of the Chatterboxers that had invaded the General Discussion. Standing a good seven-foot tall, cloaked in a trench coat that John Constantine would have been proud of, Death faced his enemy:
"W-who are you?" Jakobo stuttered at the sight of the lord.
"I am Death," Death responded simply.
"Oh, sorry," Jakobo apologised. "I said, WHO ARE YOU!?"
"No. I am Death. Like... the harvester of souls and whatnot. Not... deaf."
"Oh," Jakobo repeated.
There was an awkward moment of silence between the two.
"So... like, do you want my soul or something?" Jakobo asked.
Death shrugged "That's about the sum of it."
More silence. Jakobo was considering his options: He had heard of Death - the most powerful of all Chatterboxing beings. Surely the useless mobs Jakobo had faced of late had been a walkover, yet the seven-feet-tall being might be all too much for him. As doubt was about to swallow him, a voice came from above. It was the Great Lord, Lanzer:
"Oi! Jakobo you big woman! Stop slacking! It's only the greatest dark... thing Gaia has ever witnessed!"
"Exactly!" Jakobo remarked in return.
"Fine!" Lanzer finally gave in to the pleas of his metaphoric son. and, after many minutes of searching around the XD office, he cast down from the heavens a godly weapon to face Death with:
It was one of VO's paperclip chains.
Wielding the sacred weapon of the gods, Jakobo struck at Death - once, twice, three times. Severely injured, Death turned on his mighty, n00bish heel and fled from Jakobo.
Death ran and ran and ran. And ran. And then ran some more. In fact, he ran right into the other DARK N00B LORDZ.
Vengence had not come to Jakobo. But as a DEMON LORDZ group, they had a better chance of overcoming the all-so-feared light.
Chapter Three - Cyber Hex
Lady Cyber was the kind of demon who sleeps into young boys' dreams at night - them expecting hawt secks, but instead Lady Cyber delivers an appalling display of sexiness. So much, that the unfortunate young, curious boys who happen to meet her, often wake up screaming because of the Lady's poor sexy... ness.... er... Hang on...
Basically, Lady Cyber was fat. Real, deadly fat. Like, Supersize Me repeated three times and then KFC for desert. But when she first appeared to her victims, she always wore extremely tight corsets. This meant that her... excessive fat was misplaced to her bosom - making her appear as some sort of PlayBoy model or something VO came up with during his Hentai days. When the corset came off, however (and you can probably imagine the circumstances for this by yourselves) the folds of fat would be unleashed upon her victim. If the victim was not quick enough to escape, Lady Cyber would suffocate him or indeed her in the folds of flab.
Of course, wearing corsets was not the only way Lady Cyber would disguise her real identity. For the demon also insisted on typing in tiny, pink font with lots of '<33's and other, 'cute' emoticons. This was a fine way for her to deceive her targets into thinking she was just a lovely, innocent girl.
The only people ever known to overcome this deception were her fellow lords of the Chatterbox. Aside from their love of destruction and chaos, their ability to see through Lady Cyber was the only thing that brought the three other lords together.
The she-demon was Death's obvious choice to run to when he was beaten by Jakobo (wielding, of course, VO's sacred paperclip chain). No one - apparently not even the great admins - were able to see through Lady Cyber until it would be too late. Death stood at a mighty seven feet high with a permanent look of disgrace and depression in his eyes - he would be identified by the gods and Jakobo from miles away. Lady Cyber, however, might of had a chance at extracting Jakobo's mortal soul from
close -range.
Upon finally reaching her domain (which, as you can guess, was a 'Boyz chianed up!11' thread), Death explained his plan to eliminate Jakobo to Lady Cyber. They both agreed on what must be done:
Jakobo, of course, had not slept in almost a week. He grew tired of fighting the minions of the Chatterbox, and although his job was almost done - the more tried he grew, the bigger the task seemed. In fact, by the time Death and Lady Cyber both found him, the saviour was in a state of almost distress. Death hid in the shadows, and, seizing the chance, Lady Cyber approached the exhausted messiah.
"Hey big boy," she greeted.
"Oh, hi." Jakobo's eyes lit up at the sight of the er... graceful woman that spoke to him. Jakobo was confused, though; he still carried the looks of a woman, yet Lady Cyber had correctly (meh) identified him as a man. Surely only the Mod Council and the admins new of Jakobo's true gender? There was of course Death who was sly enough to have read Jakobo's journal in regards to the issues of gender. Death would of known about Jakobo really being a man, but to the gods' favourite, Lady Cyber didn't look like one of Death's minions.
She stood before him, typical Nitemare Buster donned, and asked: "So what's a guy like you doing in this part of... town?"
Jakobo replied, in a I'm-taking-my-chances-with-this-woman sort of tone: "Well... y'know... just doing all sorts of heroic things... cleaning out the forums... banishing the heathens back into the darkness from whence they came..."
Lady Cyber grinned, "That sounds very sexy. I bet you're tired, eh?"
Jakobo nodded eagerly. Lady Cyber grinned in return.
Two hours later:
"OH SWEET LANZER, WHAT THE s**t IS THAT?" Jakobo half-screamed at Lady Cyber. They were in a lone house in a far-off neighbourhood of Towns. Lady Cyber, as planned, had made Jakobo succumb to her... charms. Now the saviour was in a sticky situation - Lady Cyber had just unleashed her folds of fat upon Jakobo's womanly body. Jakobo was pinned, he was unable to act. It was all over. Lady Cyber would extract his soul and the Chatterboxers would reign supreme with the combined forces of not only the lords, but the gods from above, too.
In another unexplained plot twist, Jakobo ended up being saved. For at that very moment, when Lady Cyber was about to turn even more vicious, the new donation items were released. A great wave of lag came from Gaia Community Discussion. For topics were being made about the new items at the rate of about thirty posts a second.
The wait of overcoming this lag turned out to be too great for Lady Cyber to stand. For, as a cyberer underneath, she could not stand waiting for teh secks. When the lag hit, she became so agitated that, in fact, she imploded.
Thus, Lady Cyber became the first woman to ever have a slowed-down digital orgasm. Unfortunately for her, this sort of erotic pleasure mixed with lag caused her brain to melt down and thus, caused a rather gory internal combustion.
Jakobo was saved, once again.
Chapter Four - God Sodder
Death was running low on options now. The moment Lady Cyber had unfortunately exploded on herself he realised that Jakobo was a power beyond his expectations. Indeed, Jakobo had not seen past Lady Cyber's mask of sexiness until the final moments, but it appeared that Jakobo had the entire luck of Gaia behind him.
If Jakobo was playing unfairly against Death and his minions, then Death would have to return the favour.
Enter demon lord number three: God Modder.
God Modder was a personification of the very thing role players hate: God modding. The appropriately named lord was able to genuinely transform into everything and anything it wished - no questions asked. Goku was nothing compared to God Modder. God Modder was supreme.
So, with only two of his comrades remaining, Death turned to God Modder in hopes of destroying Jakobo. Lady Cyber had worked on a basis of deceit and sexual appeal - but God Modder worked with the opposite. For he was the great slave master of the Chatterbox. God Modder stood at at least ten feet tall, a hulking mass of cheating goodness. He had every Pokemon power that was ever made at his fingertips. He had a six, seven and eight packs. He was embodied with the spirits with ten thousand warriors. He had the acting skills of Vinnie Jones. He, was unstoppable.
Again, God Modder was first found by Death quite easily - unlike the rest of the DEMON LORDZ, God Modder had originated from Barton Town, but was shunned by the mighty community there due to his obsession with power. In the Chatterbox, however, there was no limits on the amount of 'power' (or shitty roleplaying) God Modder could achieve.
Even with this great power, Death still doubted God Modder's power and ability to overcome their arch enemy. All the same, if God Modder wasn't able to defeat Jakobo, he would seriously weaken him to a state where his soul could easily be picked off by a waiting Death.
So, Death quickly rounded up the sad state of affairs that had occurred thus far in this witty tale and sent God Modder to destroy Jakobo. The whole idea behind it was stupidly simple: God Modder would walk up to Jakobo, empower himself, and then overkill Jakobo. A easy, flawless plan.
But because Death and his fellow demons are typical villains, the plan, of course, was not flawless.
God Modder encountered Jakobo some instance out of the Chatterbox. As many readers will know - anything goes in the Chatterbox. You can be a half-demon, half-cat mutant... thing and no one will care. But outside of the Chatterbox, such people face humiliation and quick defeat - no matter how powerful they believe themselves to be.
God Modder, despite being an all-powerful in his own domain, he turned powerless if people didn't believe in such power outside of the Chatterbox: That power wouldn't exist.
Of course, the same didn't apply to Jakobo and the other godly members of XD. They were true gods, not shitty pretenders that the lords turned out to be.
So, when God Modder faced Jakobo, in theory, the messiah should of seen through the disguise at once and given the terrible roleplayer a run for his gold. If Jakobo did see through the disguise, then he certainly didn't show it. The two faced each other, ready for combat:
"*USEZ FLAME ON U!11*" God Modder screamed, unleashing all of his energy in his starting move.
The might of the attack, however, did not seem to affect Jakobo. Indeed, the messiah seemed quite unphased by the power behind it. A little stunned, perhaps, but Jakobo was fine all the same.
"*KILLZ U WIF MA AWESUMNESS*" God Modder screamed as loud as he could. Surely that would be it for Jakobo. Surely that would be the end because God Modder proclaimed it.
Of course, it wasn't the end for Jakobo. He just turned to God Modder and said:
"That's impossible."
"iz n0t!" God Modder shouted back, and repeated the 'move'.
Nothing.
"anything iz pozzilbe!" God Modder insisted. It was then Jakobo called upon the charms of the greatest minds within Extended Discussion, and began his rant:
"Listen, you. That term has only come about to explain things we don't exactly know about. I have an explanation to why - when you 'attack' me - I don't fall dead."
"y, tehn?"
"Because you stuck at roleplaying."
God Modder's cheek twitched, and then, in one violent roar - he burst into tears.
"u! u r eval!" God Modder proclaimed, half-sobbing, half-screaming at Jakobo. The messiah made a noise which sounded a lot like 'psh' and God Modder turned on heel and fled. Never to be seen again.
It is said, however, that his spirit lives on through some of the roleplayers in Barton Town, ruining their experiences forever more.
Chapter Five - Bump
And so, it came to pass that all but two of the five original DEMON LORDZ were defeatedo or lost. Death was on the edge of desperation by this point - he had to do something utterly mindblowing to defeat Jakobo. something original... something he wouldn't expect... something... unpredictable.
Using all his wit and cunning, Death came up with one, final plan. The next morning, he set out to visit the last of the DEMON LORDZ (other than himself) - who was, at that time, resting within the Exchange.
There, he met his most worthy ally:
Mr. Bump.
At one time, Mr. Bump had applied for a position on the popular kids' T.V show, 'The Mr. Men' - failing the audition for being 'too mudane'. Using his 'talents' - Mr. Bump set out for a role on the X-Files. He gained it, being one of the uncredited master puppeteers who worked the UFOs each and every single episode.
Growing sick of this somewhat conspiracy-filled life, Mr. Bump moved out to the country - and got dragged into this crazy world of Gaia by several armed men in a hummer powered by the love juices of Elton John.
Luckily, Mr. Bump was able to make use of his simplistic ideology when he arrived on Gaia and - soon enough - became a powerful player within the Chatterbox. Indeed, 'player' was one word used to describe him often; he went around, 'bumping hoes' and rigging contests. It was through this gradual process that Mr. Bump gained formidable power and thus - eventually - became the last of the DEMON LORDZ.
Death told Mr. Bump of his plan and the situation the Chatterbox faced if it failed. Mr. Bump was still a bit confused, though:
"Death," he began. "You say that God Modder and Lady Cyber have been defeated, yes?"
"Yes," Death certified.
"And there is supposed to be five of us DEMON LORDZ... so... like... what happened to the last one?"
There was a moment of silence. Then, after thinking about it, Death gave a sly sneer of satisfaction.
"We'll recruit one. But in the meantime... we'll go with plan A."
"Don't you mean plan C?"
"Eh?"
"Well, if Lady Cyber and God Modder have failed before me, surely this is plan C."
"Right, right." Death sighed, and pushed Mr. Bump outside in hopes of finding Jakobo.
Meanwhile, the messiah-in-question was busy raising an army to take the Chatterbox head-on and destroy Death once and for all. Currently, the said army had just reached the far-reach outposts of the Chatterbox, flaming the n00bish residences as they went. The army was not - as some may think - composed of the Mod Council, but simply ex-Enforcers and - what was at the time - GD Guardians.
It was at the last outpost actually outside of the Chatterbox that they encountered Mr. Bump.
The formidable pimp was stood, decked-out in typical half-n00b, half-oldbie clothing, holding the standard of the Chatterbox (a 'XD') high into the digital sky.
"Get out of our way or we'll report you!" The Enforcers called in unision at the stranger.
"Bump!" Mr. Bump responded, and some gold fell from the sky.
"Move!" The Enforcers repeated themselves. Jakobo remained passive.
"Bump!" Mr. Bump replied once again. More gold.
"MOVE!" The Enforcers shouted. Jakobo turned to them and gave them a 'hush' sort of signal. But the Enforcers, in their anger, ignored him.
"Bump! Bump! Bump!" Mr. Bump repeated creepily. He didn't seem to mind the huge crowd of EDers and some loyal GDers in front of him. The Enforcers began to set up their Zahir-designed Flamer 2000 Mark 2. Jakobo remained passive, but Mr. Bump continued to repeat himself, somewhat mundanely:
"Bump! Bump! Bump!" He sang, dancing in circles. Gold rained from the sky. It came in torrents, but still the anger of Jakobo's army grew. The gold came down, and fell in almost piles now. Jakobo sighed.
"Bump! Bump! Bump! Bump! Bump!"
Soon enough, the entire army, including a disgraced Jakobo, was burried under hundreds of gold pieces. There was such thing as too much bumping. And that was it.
Hours later, Mr. Bump dragged the body of one-time messiah Jakobo Felocity from the piles of gold he created. Over him, stood Death and the new - rediscovered - fifth lord.
Chapter Six - The Fifth Finger
Death, Mr. Bump and the mysterious fifth lord took Jakobo deep into the Chatterbox, through all seven layers until they reached the very core of n00b heaven. The very last level of the Chatterbox was the most feared of all - and only the DEMON LORDZ and a few lucky others had ever seen it. It was - indeed - Hell within Gaia: Slipknot playing 24/7, the unbearable temperatures, the insane spelling of the inhabitants - If anyone sane would ever dare to venture into the sacred realm, they would immediately be turned insane. Yes, it was
that bad.
The three laid Jakobo to rest on a stone altar within the very depths of the Chatterbox. It was there the three planned to extract the soul of Jakobo and use it as their most deadly of weapons.
They needed a sacrifice, though. And all of the n00b goons were out on field duty - fighting the now immensely angry army of heaven that had continued with their invasion of the Chatterbox. The three were forced into thinking about this for a while. Then, suddenly, Death and the unknown final lord exchanged a sly glance with one another, and both turned upon Mr. Bump.
There was a large ripping sound, a "Oh Lanzer no! Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuump!" that echoed throughout the domain of the CB, then silence.
A long, eerie silence, which was eventually broken by Death, sighing:
"It is done."
Mr. Bump lay dead at the feet of Death. His blood was splattered all over the altar on which a (presumably) still living Jakobo lay. The mysterious fifth lord grinned, and Death began to chant:
"4 all teh sins we ave comited,
nd all teh cities we ave litered,
we ave payed sarcrifice to da 1 tru god,
nd rly i feell lyk a bit of a knob,
lastly, i'd lyk 2 say,
taht it iz a wonderful kind a day,
now rise up jakobo, son of lanzer,
nd give us powa like no other hanzer... banzer... er.. sandzer..?"
Despite Death's terrible lyrics, the incarnation appeared to have worked. Jakobo, in traditional Frankenstein-esque style, rose from the slab of stone he had been rested on, a new, unknown light within his eyes.
Death smilied with glee. The fifth lord gave a round of applause. That was it. At that moment, the famous messiah of all Gaia kind had been turned against what he... she... er... whatever had originally believed. Jakobo dismounted the slab with all the grace of an injured elephant, and turned to Death.
"I HATE POETRY!" Jakobo cried, his hands fastening around Death's bony neck. But, of course, Death could not be beaten by any physical or simple normal means. Death was one of the DEMON LORDZ. He had his own weaknesses, and Jakobo's scrawny programmer fingers being wrapped around his neck was not one of them.
So, Death knocked the messiah backward, his conversion efforts gone wrong. That was it. If Jakobo was not willing to co-operate, then he would have to be seen to.
Suddenly, without explanation, the wall behind Death suddenly cracked and fell apart - and there stood the army of Jakobo, The Iconoclast stood at the forefront, a scrap of paper waving in the palm of her sweaty hands.
It was Death's personal ad.
The shitty emo/goth music that had been playing into the room stopped. And... was replaced... by one of the most up-tempo and over-done songs within the past half-century:
"Let's do the Time Warp aaaaaagain!" The lyrics rang out, and Death fell to his knees in pain. A chorus later, the master of the DEMON LORDZ and all Chatterbox kind was dead. Death had fallen to death.
From that day on, Death was not around - and thus could never delete unused or out-of-date accounts.
The remaining lord though - which was, up until now, unidentified - was unphased by the attack.
His hulking body turned slowly to face the vast army of literates that had broken in. Everyone hesitated. They had never even heard of this lord - never mind seen it. The actions of the last Chatterbox lord were unpredictable and thus really, no one knew what to do.
"Bollocks," the fifth lord muttered. "My only ability is to mutter about how s**t the new layout looks."
The fifth lord, unlike the ones who proceeded it, was allowed to live with this (apparently) harmless ability - and thus, managed to breed. Even today some of its most annoying offspring can be seen wandering the Community Discussion - complaining about every new layout that comes along.
Deus ex machina!? WHERE!?
