PARENTS. Do you think your children should have privacy?

[Princess Z-M]

-x- Blue Moon Hope -x-

Well, I hope I don't raise my kids the same way my parents raised (and are raising) me. My parents are narrow minded and don't even try to understand how I feel. I'm going to make it an important point to listen, not just hear, what my kids have to say and at least try to understand and see it from their point of view. Communication is key. Compromise is a good way to come up with the best solution.

Yeah. However like I firmly state it's all personal choice. As long as you not punching and kicking your kid across the room. You pretty much get to raise them how you see fit. Mines are getting and "private" the second they get too quiet I'm checking up on them. I see no problem in how I was raise. Like I know there's a chance they might then go out and be all slutty like some of my roommates have been (however to tell the truth they were already all GGW way before they started college...)

Which is why again we going to have a good well balance relationship with fair but no-nonsense ground rules. Plus the fact all this Disney, brazt, and tech crap is going to be kept away for as long as possible.

If and when it's allowed in the house damn sure we will be taking about what's real and what's fake. What's allowed and what isn't.

[fioce]

-x- Blue Moon Hope -x-

I'm sorry if I misunderstood but - did you just call or imply that my family is dysfunctional?
Because if you did, before I blow me top at you, explain why you would say such a thing.

No, I'm not the sort to direct something like at someone personally without really good reason. I meant what I said - I forgot that a LOT of the kids here come from really dysfunctional families. It wasn't directed at anyone personally, just an acknowledgment that not all kids here can trust their parents. I should add that I come from a terrible, terrible family.

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And, I never said that parents cannot help their kids deal with things even if the parents haven't ever gone through the same experiences. I never said that. I said even though parents have MORE experiences, they do not have ALL the same experiences and therefore do not always know what the right thing to do is and are not always better experienced to correctly help their child through something. Note that I said, not always. Not, never.

Okay. I would still argue that there are few things in my children's lives that I am not better prepared to deal with. I'm almost forty and new experiences come up in my life. But having forty years of experience helps an awful lot when I'm working through how to respond to something new.

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I did NOT say that because parents go through different thing during their lives that they never know what to do.

Okay. smile You're reading my post(s) as more antagonistic than I intended them, I think. smile

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Yes, parents will offer advice and support to help with their kid's problems. Will they always be right though? No. Will the kids always be right? No. But to say that parents are better experienced and that kids will never be as experienced as their parents is wrong.

Hmmm ... are we using different definitions of experience? Because a fourteen year old, except under extremely unusual circumstances, has twenty less years of experience than a thirty-four year old.

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Things change, and the thing is - so do people. Experiences change people. I KNOW my parents have more experience than me. But they are very different and many times cannot even apply to me because of how different my life it. That's not to say that those things will never happen to me in some way shape or form, but the experiences I had, have, and will have will most likely be different.

We all grew up in a different time than our parents. When I was a teenager, it was the norm to finish high school without having had sex. I find it difficult to grasp when my son tells me that his classmates take turns bringing packages of condoms to school to share. (I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and think "Well, at least they're using them." wink And you kids have no idea what it's like to hit puberty in a world where AIDS was *just* being discovered. Boy, were the adults out to lunch when they predicted that that new disease would usher in an era of celibacy!

I clearly misunderstood your post, because I got the "they know nothing and they just don't understand me" vibe.

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When my parents are stuck with one route of mind, it's hard to talk to them about anything. They believe that there is only one right solution to a problem.

I can understand why that would be frustrating. I think it would be interesting to try and understand why they're fixated like that. It won't help you at the moment, but it might help you deal with the problem. And YES, I'm talking from experience. My mother feels that anything I do is wrong, simply because I'm the one doing it. And she has no problem in telling me so, too! Like I said, I'm almost forty, and it's been going on all my life. Although I still get sometimes frustrated and hurt, it did help to dig into her history (mostly around my conception and birth) and understand why she has this love/hate response to me.

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What am I supposed to do then? I solve the problem my way and it turns out just fine, and everything is resolved and there really aren't any long run consequences, and my parents still get mad. And when I talk to them why, they always say because they have more experiences than me, they are smarter and their way will always be best. That's not entirely true! More experiences, yes, same experiences, better equipped? Not always true, and therefore should really not be used as an explanation as to why children should listen and carry out all their parents say and want them to do.

Okay, if I point out that this is just a teeeeny bit dysfunctional on the part of your parents, will you promise not to be angry at me? smile I agree with you - your parents are wrong to be taking that sort of a line with things. OIder and more experienced definitely doesn't mean smarter, and it doesn't mean "best". It *should* mean a broader perspective.

As an example, an older woman at our church has sort of taken me under her wing. She's a few years older than my mother. She was born and raised in a different country, and her experiences have been very different than mine, for the most part. The other night, she was over for a few hours and my toddler indicated he needed to use the potty. The child is frustrating me, because he plunks his bottom on the potty, stands up, claps his hands and runs off. My mother says to me "Well, I don't understand why YOU are having so much trouble. You children sat on the potty when I told you to." Thanks, Mom, I'm incompetent as a parent, and you were perfect. Well, this other lady brought my son's huge toy castle out of his bedroom and put it in front of him. I looked shocked and she said, "It'll keep him there longer, you won't be fighting with him, and he'll pee." Sure enough - he did! Okay, I should have thought to do something like that, but I didn't.

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As for what you did for your teen son - example of how privacy leads to trust. You told him it was his private journal, he could put what he wants in it and get out what he needs to (a.k.a. vent?) and it would stay private. And he trusted that you meant what you meant by private - that you would not look in it and snoop around. And because he knew you would give him that privacy, he felt more comfortable talking to you and had a good amount of trust to show you what he put in it.

I've worked really hard to have that trust with him. I hope that, should he ever have a problem, he feels safe to tell me about it *before* it's a huge problem. Some of the posters have said that parents should stay out of their kids' stuff unless they know there's a problem with drugs or other serious/criminal stuff. Would you not agree that that's too little, too late?

And there's the tricky thing about parenting. I have no desire to be nosing through my kids' stuff. I said as much earlier - if I felt the need to do that, I would consider that I had thoroughly screwed up as a parent. However, if my child suddenly withdrew from me and started hiding things, I'm not going to wait until the police are at my door before I go hunting for information.

[fioce]

Demon of the 14th Shadow

I've got to say, fioce, I'm surprised that you wouldn't remember that there are lousy parents out there, considering the number of them you have had the misfortune of dealing with on a regular basis.

Combination of pregnancy brain, missing my older kids, and a helluva lot of stress in my life.

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As to the journal, I think that's illustrative. You recognize the need for privacy because you offered it explicitly. He may not have felt he needed it in this instance, but if he had decided to keep his own council, I trust you would have kept to your word and let him keep its contents private.

Of course I keep my word with my kids. I'm actually most concerned about the fact that he purposely left the journal here when he went back to his father's house. The impression I get is that his father ignores him 99% of the time and then suddenly demands access to everything. (Which sounds a lot like my marriage to the man)

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While it's certainly the case that people can get in over their heads and need help, as you noted, if they aren't willing to come to you to get that help in the first place, you've already done something wrong. Having already failed on that level is a precondition you need to keep in mind for when we're discussing the relative morality of snooping on your kids.

You're right. I was thinking less about my own childhood, and more about the relationship I've worked hard to build in my family NOW.

*14th* Shadow? LOL What have you been up to while I've been away from Gaia, my friend? *Shaking my head*

[Demon of the 14th Shadow]

fioce

Demon of the 14th Shadow

I've got to say, fioce, I'm surprised that you wouldn't remember that there are lousy parents out there, considering the number of them you have had the misfortune of dealing with on a regular basis.

Combination of pregnancy brain, missing my older kids, and a helluva lot of stress in my life.

If you feel like talking, you know I'm always willing to listen.

fioce

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As to the journal, I think that's illustrative. You recognize the need for privacy because you offered it explicitly. He may not have felt he needed it in this instance, but if he had decided to keep his own council, I trust you would have kept to your word and let him keep its contents private.

Of course I keep my word with my kids. I'm actually most concerned about the fact that he purposely left the journal here when he went back to his father's house. The impression I get is that his father ignores him 99% of the time and then suddenly demands access to everything. (Which sounds a lot like my marriage to the man)

You did tell him it was for his private use. He can trust you to respect his privacy, but he's learned he can't trust his father wit the same, so if it's supposed to be private, he shouldn't bring it into the man's sphere of power. Seems pretty reasonable to me.

fioce

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While it's certainly the case that people can get in over their heads and need help, as you noted, if they aren't willing to come to you to get that help in the first place, you've already done something wrong. Having already failed on that level is a precondition you need to keep in mind for when we're discussing the relative morality of snooping on your kids.

You're right. I was thinking less about my own childhood, and more about the relationship I've worked hard to build in my family NOW.

For the record, my family was actually pretty good about this sort of thing when I was growing up. I know from the way I focus on those poor parenting archetypes, it'd be easy to assume my parents fit them, but those archetypes are ones I've dealt with only second-hand in terms of being in a parenting role. Cousins, friends, random people on the internet, case studies in psychology texts, etc.

Most of my personal experience in terms of having that sort of thing violated stems from other authority figures, generally educators.

fioce

*14th* Shadow? LOL What have you been up to while I've been away from Gaia, my friend? *Shaking my head*

Same old, same old, fioce. They go through stages of banning me for a few accounts, then leaving me be for a while, then banning for a few more accounts. My behavior doesn't change, but theirs is pretty inconsistent. I figure they get some sort of complaint or threat that pushes them to "do something", they make a token gesture, the complainers quiet down, and the mods and admins stop fighting me for a while.

[low iq 111]

yes. and it should grow the older they get. i believe if you don't let them have more and more privacy they are not going to know how to take care of themselves when they grow up. ...well, i guess you could violate their privacy and not let them know about it. but you shouldn't flip out on every small thing if you violate their privacy w/o them knowing. let them make some mistakes imo.

[Shattered_Blood_Molecules]

I think kids need privacy. Plus, i don't even get why my parents would be dumb enough to read the journal where I write down, I want to murder them, and that I want used to want mommy to commit suicide, and about how much of a fool, I think she is. And, not to mention, I realize I might be the fool, because I am starting to despise my parents even more than ever now, just because the school I was forced to attend, I got molested at. My parents, don't even believe what they read in my diary. Also, I need some place to explain how much I hate my mommy, so my diary is perfect for that! Plus, I don't care if I hurt her feeling she is a horrible parent, and insulting her makes me feel better sometimes.

[Shattered_Blood_Molecules]

Plus, I don't get how my diary can be interesting especially what I have been writing in it recently, entry after entry, the entry is about how I feel anxious just by the thought of the tragedies that happened to me. Oh, and if that kid was honest about reading my diary, oh if he reads a certain one of mine in particular, he'll see some really mean things about him! I don't care, he shouldn't of treated me so horrible, and he should leave my notebooks, ALONE!

[bukky995]

As my self as a kid i think privacy is important because no child wants anyone looking in their personal stuff
if a parent feels uneasy about their child or is worried they should have a talk or something
(can be embarrassing after my parents gave me " The Talk".)

[Shattered_Blood_Molecules]

Well, anyway, what I will allow if I end up having kids is a mystery ((partly)). I do know that at times though, it is better if the kid makes, the decisions, and plus it's the kid's life, not the parents. If my parents would just let me make my out decisions more often a lot of bad things WOULDN'T of happened to me. And out of their immense stupidity at times they don't even obey very simple commands such as me telling them not to tell people certain info for safety reasons! My life is already messed up enough by them not protecting me enough what does she wanna do mess up more, even though she is still too not caring enough about me, to even know how messed up my life got, and she cares too little to watch me, if she watched me better at times a lot of bad things would of never happened.


I know, that if I do end up having kids, that there will be a lot, of info they wouldn't be allowed to say for safety reasons.

[That_comic_guy]

Princess Z-M

I see no problem in how I was raise. Like I know there's a chance they might then go out and be all slutty like some of my roommates have been (however to tell the truth they were already all GGW way before they started college...) .

From my personal background most often the opposite is true. Kids who weren't given any freedom are usually most likely to act crazier in college. As most people that has gotten to know me know, my mom was pretty much the queen of Over-protected moms. Thus, when I got even a slack of freedom I tore the leash off and ran for miles. One my classmates from high school died last year from drug over dose. So I think there's should be a balance.